Hi Aby,
While my whole life I have identified as a straight female, lately I have been having a crush on a queer woman in one of my classes and I don’t know what to do with this information.
I’m engaged to marry an amazing man and I’m completely faithful to him, so even if I decided that I identified as bisexual or pansexual, it wouldn’t change who I spent my life with. Should I tell my fiance? If yes, how could I tell him? Would there be any advantage to telling him? I know he would be supportive and open-minded. When it came up in conversation about how some guys sometimes like to see two women kiss, I asked him if he had ever wanted to see me like that, and his answer was something along the lines of, no, but that if there was something that I found in someone else that he couldn’t give me that he would be okay with it because he just wants me to be happy.
I love my fiance, and he loves me. I feel weird and confused and embarrassed not knowing what to do about the fact that I have a crush on another woman. Part of me wants to go to the Q Chat meeting and try to talk to other people who might also have been in similar situations of questioning their sexual orientation, but another part feels like I don’t belong there and I’m afraid that I’ll be read as an ally who doesn’t belong in that space; do you think I would belong? If yes, what if my crush comes to the Q Chat meeting, do I tell her that I have a crush on her and I have thought about kissing her? If my crush wanted to kiss me and my fiance specifically tells me beforehand that he is ok with it, I might want to try kissing her at some point in time after the Q Chat meeting. In the event that somehow someday I end up kissing her, what are the chances of getting a STD? I have never had to think about STDs before since my fiance and I both don’t have any STDs and neither of us have ever had other sexual partners.
Aby Answers:
Hi! There’s a whole lot going on in your question, so I’ll try to break it down piece by piece.
One thing I’ll throw out there: consider coming in for a chat with me in person. I can help you find the best answers if we can talk it out because I want to make sure I’m fully understanding all of your questions. If you want to come by, just check out my drop-in hours or email me to make an appointment. No pressure; I just think you’ll find that coming in will be super useful to you.
Now, let me try to answer some of your other questions as best I can.
First things first, you mention feeling confused and embarrassed about having having a crush on this woman. I’m here to reassure you that, while those feelings are normal if this crush is a new thing for you, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of the same gender. We simply cannot help who we’re attracted to. As we each individually grow and engage with new people, our sexual and romantic attraction may begin to shift and lean in ways it hasn’t before. Facing these new feelings (which can be troublesome, wonderful, joyous, or isolating), we must remember the importance of being both patient and kind with ourselves.
As for whether you should tell your fiance, you know your relationship and partner better than anyone. Some partners would be totally open to that discussion and others wouldn’t be able to handle any form of non-monogamy or polyamory. It sounds like your fiance has been open to the idea of you exploring your bisexuality or pansexuality in the past, but it was more of a hypothetical scenario then. He might feel differently knowing that you’ve identified someone you have feelings for. Also, this is the kind of conversation that always needs to be revisited to make sure that neither party has had a change of heart.
Engaging in sexual or romantic experiences with other partners when you’re in a monogamous relationship requires a LOT of trust, communication, honesty, and transparency. Some relationships can withstand that kind of complication, but many cannot. Think about why you want to tell him. What are you hoping you would gain from revealing your crush to him?
And, most importantly, think about would his response would mean to you.
If he told you he wasn’t okay with you pursuing this woman, would you be fine with letting it go and never exploring this aspect of your sexual identity? Or do you feel this is an experience you need to have, either with this woman (assuming she reciprocates your feelings) or another woman at some point down the road? That’s a really important question to ask yourself, and you should be prepared to hear that he doesn’t want you to pursue anything with her.
You should also be prepared to hear that he’s ok with it, which will also have repercussions. If this woman feels the same way about you, are you prepared to deal with any feelings that you might develop for her? Is he prepared to deal with feelings of jealousy that might come up for him? What if you and your crush (or any other woman) both want more than just a kiss? What if your fiance said he wanted to explore sexual or romantic experiences with other people too?
As for your question about STIs, I called the amazing Michelle Cohen Segall in Health Promotion to make sure I had the most accurate information. Michelle says that there is an extremely low STI risk just from kissing, but that there is a very small risk of contracting herpes. This risk continuum provides a good visual explanation.
Finally, Q Chats may be a good space for you. Folks who are questioning their identities find Q Chats to be a useful space as these groups are dedicated to creating supportive, friendly, and judgement-free spaces. The Queer Women’s meeting would be a wonderful opportunity to ask questions of other folks who may have recently gone through the same thing. Our Queer Women’s group meets this Thursday at 6pm in the Women’s Resource Center and is totally open to women who are questioning. Feel free to check it out and/or come see me for a chat.
Ask Aby 